Stockholm and other thoughts.

I bought Stockholm syndrome by Derek Webb....absolutely fantastic.
Probably not for the faint of heart.
I'll say that to cover myself.
For me it was definitely eye opening.
It's incredible to hear my thoughts put down into song by someone else.
It's an instant feeling of community.
Controversial community- but community nonetheless.

"We can talk and debate it till we're blue in the face
About the language and tradition that He's coming to save
Meanwhile we sit just like we don't give a sh*t
About fifty-thousand people who are dying today

Tell me, brother, what matters more to you?
Tell me, sister, what matters more to you?"

Blunt.
Perhaps too blunt.
But honest.
I've begun to crave honesty.
Real.
Legitimate.
Not necessarily censored.
It's not easy to hear.
And it's definitely not easy to say.

If most Christians voiced their concerns, thoughts, doubts, failures I think Christianity would be revolutionized. It's not that onlookers care if Christians sin and fail- it's the fact that we cover it up and pretend like we don't. People screw up. We're depraved. But we're depraved with a possibility of forgiveness. I think that's fantastic.

On a completely different note- Jess has another drill this weekend.
So i'm here wide awake at midnight.
The usual for when he's gone.
My brain just seems to snap into a weird gear when he's gone.
Maybe it's just because I have time to think.
Being alone once in a while really is good.
Not to mention I'm getting a head start on Christmas shopping. :)
Plus I'll have some quality time with Gong Fu and the new Donald Miller book.

I've been somewhat cryptic lately about some things coming up and i'll continue to be for a while, but Jess and I have decisions to make in the next couple months and prayer is definitely appreciated. Decisions are definitely hard for us to make because we get stuck so much in the rut of just day to day life, and I am definitely a creature of habit. At any rate- just keep us in your prayers.

I should probably attempt sleep so I'm not too dependent on caffeine for my mood tomorrow! :)

Attempting...

I've resolved that it's unhealthy to only blog explosively.
Too bad the rest of my life is boring when i'm not fired up about something! :)

But here's my attempt at a boring blog post:

On the work front it's starting to look like Christmas.
I've already been putting up fixtures for Christmas cards and getting the first boxes out.
Sometimes I really do feel like I market Jesus.
It's a daily struggle for me.
I've been trying so hard to focus just on the ministry aspects that I have with the company.

On the home front we're non-existent.
Jess is finishing up school this semester and has two jobs, and I have one full-time job and my job selling Premier. It's all going great. Just a little overwhelming when it comes to trying to find time to see my husband! We did manage a fun getaway to Chicago for our one-year. I can't believe it's been a year already! It honestly doesn't seem possible that it's been that long already.

On the church front we've been getting more involved- which is great.
I really do love our church.
It's kind of an oasis for me.
I deal with "Spiritual debate" all week at work- it's nice to come some place and just worship.

(One rant allowed tonight)
I witnessed sad reality today..
We went on a "homeless walk" today with Hope Ministries and it was legitimately conflicting.
If you've ever talked to me about this specific issue- I can be pretty hard hearted.
For me it's just so hard to imagine.
Not that i'm not blessed beyond measure, but because I tend to work my butt off.
I'm desperately conflicted when it comes to that type of ministry.
It's tough to find the balance for me.
I've never been held captive by the things these people are.
I don't understand that.
It's a complete mystery to me.
The logical side of me doesn't understand why they don't get a job and improve their life.
But the sympathetic-Jesus side of me understands that they're held captive by something that cripples their life- and until they're recovered through Christ there is no other reality.
Does that make sense?
It sounds like an enigma.

Jess and I are trying to make some pretty big decisions for the upcoming months.
Prayer is much much much appreciated.
Love to all!

My Blog Disappeared.

It's probably unhealthy to blog so little that your blog actually disappears.

I've tended to notice that I blog when i'm passionately upset about something- or honestly maybe when I just want to ruffle some feathers. I think I should get bonus points of some sort for admitting to that.

I'm in the drastic search to find something I love to do for a living. Clearly- where I am isn't it. It used to be. Maybe I'm just too sensitive- but there's something in you that hates getting yelled at by Christians all day because you look like you're "12" or dont agree with them; there's this gigantic religious debate going on in your head 24-7 because of the idiots you deal with on a full time basis. I should preface this by saying that these are not my co-workers or employees. They're the woman who swears at me because her Bible didn't imprinted in 10 minutes- they're the "fundamentals" that come in and tell me that i'm going to hell because I carry more than a certain translation that they are accustomed into believing. It seems like too many of us take the "End justifies the means" approach to our workplace. If we get a paycheck at the end of two- weeks it was worth it. Or in this case- if we see a child sponsored or have a meaningful conversation it was all worth it. But ya know what- it really really just isn't. What breaks my heart at least 10 times a day is when you present the opportunity for someone to think beyond themselves and their incredible materialism and love on someone less fortunate, they look at me like i'm a used car salesman just trying to sell them on something. I know this isn't everyone but in the company we have a statistic that tells that you that 299 people out of 300 are going to tell you "no" when it comes to changing someone else's life and that you shouldn't give up- but what happens if by the 189 person you are just too mentally destitute and broken hearted to hear one more person say no?

I realize that most of this makes absolutely no sense to most people- and that's fine.

I see too many people- too many Christians- that are intent on "raising hell" that they forget they are CHRISTians. They have to argue every little thing- and in doing so they lose the real meaning of being a Christ follower. They are the "bullhorn" guy who scares people into convictions rather than helping change lives for good.

Sorry- this has all bottled up for a long time.

I used to sing a song when I was little about This little light of mine.
It used the illusion of being a light in the dark.
I find that we surround ourselves with so many "lights" with the intent and purpose of making the other lights question whether they're even lights or if they're just those phony electrical candles that we lose the real meaning and purpose of being a light.
Does that make any sense to anyone?

We try to beat our fellow Christ followers down to make ourselves seem "brighter" or more dedicated that we lose the real meaning behind being a Christ follower. I know that I fail in my walk sometimes (quite often), but I just don't understand how people can be so far off the grid from what Christ intended.

I called someone a Pharisee once.
I truly meant it.
It broke my heart to know that they would be what someone else judged Jesus by.
It breaks my heart sometimes to know that i'm what someone will judge Jesus by.
But it also motivates me.
It motivates me to have a real honest faith and be upfront about my struggles.
People need to see Jesus lived out practically, emotionally, and confrontationally.
Not just theoretically- or by some random set of laws that have absolutely nothing to do with Jesus.

Sorry about all this brain puke.

I've theorized about writing a book called "Pissed off Christians: Leading people away from Jesus." I think i'm still to vehement to get very far and have it not all be a tirade. Plus I might have to clean up the title some...